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For those of you that have been fans of Resplendent Sunrise since the beginning, you may remember me talking a bit about dating in my first post (see here). In that post I mentioned something about the relationship that Lois Lane wanted with Superman, yet curiously didn't want anything to do with Clark Kent. It's curious in that Clark Kent, as the more intelligent portion of our society knows, IS Superman. I related this to my experience with dating and friendships.
Why bring this up on a public blog? First of all, nobody reads my blog, so it doesn't really matter what I say on here. Secondly, I've been doing a lot of thinking for about six years (since I've been in college) and I've come to this conclusion: it's nearly impossible for two people of opposite genders to become really good friends without one or the other (or both) developing feelings for the other person. For those of you that disagree with me, think back to every friendship you've had like this where the two of you became super close, and ask yourself if there really wasn't something there, either on your end or theirs. I think it's the exception that this doesn't happen.
A friend of mine once said that sometimes we don't tell people how we really feel for whatever reason. Maybe it's fear, that impeding abyss, that keeps us from saying how we feel: fear of rejection, fear of what may happen, fear of fear itself. Instead of opening ourselves up and taking a chance, we pretend contentness (yes, that is a word...) with friendship so as to not have to face our fears and not risk getting hurt. The irony is that, in each of these friendships, the person who has developed any degree of feelings beyond friendship will always get hurt. The other person will find someone else, start dating, get married, etc. and unknowingly cause pain in their friend to some degree. In most cases, the former will never let on how they are truly feeling, and will still listen to their friend's problems, and attempt to be genuinely happy when things for their friend go the way they want; moreover, they also look back with regret, wondering what could have happened had they the guts to express how they felt.
So what is the point of all this? I don't have a point, really. I don't have the solution to this. I wrote to provoke deep pondering about the friendships we do have and to open our minds at the possibilities that could lie right in front of us. Is it more worth making someone happy being the friend they need or opening up so as to not have regret later? Do we fear the unknown and be idle or be bold and risk the chance of getting hurt for what could be something so great?
I'm out, but let me know what you think!
Peace.
6 wisecrack(s):
You know my comments!
Here's my two cents on the matter, I hope it makes sense...
I agree to some degree that guys and girls aren't just friends with each other without one or the other or both becoming interested. I think it's not always permanent interest but it comes up. Sometimes you have a moment where you really wonder and you aren't sure what to do but then you can lay it to rest for a while and maybe come back to it later or just lay it to rest forever. Best case scenario is you just talk about it when it comes up. I had a good guy friend where we just talked about it. We were friends for a really long time and it crossed my mind and I brought it up. It wasn't some drama involved conversation or a confession of my undying love but it was a simple, "Hey I'm thinking this, what do you think?" kind of thing. It was brought up and then nothing came of it and we went on as normal. Not all people can do "go on as normal" but I think if the friendship is worth it you can. Had I never said anything, I would regret it still. All this sounds much easier said than done but it’s doable.
There was an article in the Feb 08 Ensign called "Dating and the Eternal Perspective". I at first found the talk cheesy but there was this one quote that stuck with me and I've quoted it numerous times. Here it is:
"Some of us, fearing heartache or sacrifice, would like to find a spouse without taking any risks. But without effort, loving ties can’t grow. Elder W. Craig Zwick of the Seventy counseled young adults to take a risk in order to “invest in eternal happiness.” He emphasized, “The risk is necessary.” This could mean facing the possibility of rejection or of sacrificing some independence. Taking action demonstrates faith in the Savior—faith in His power to heal us from disappointments and to create a more selfless disposition in our hearts."
We have to take risks, that simple. Heavenly Father will heal us if a less than pleasant outcome occurs. I wish it were as simple as it sounds but I know when I have taken a risk and the outcome isn't what I wanted, I really have been blessed to get through it.
And let’s be honest, we've got all the friends we need, now we just need a spouse! Take the risk to make a friendship awkward. If it was a good enough friendship, things come around. If not, why not spend all your time focusing on someone different rather than someone that's probably never gonna marry you anyway. Just sayin.
First, I agree with you about friendships - someone ends up falling, and then that someone usually gets hurt.
Second, You are my best school-friend, and so I laughed at the first thought because just today I told you what Jalayne said to me . . .
Third, I really hope that I get to see you in the morning. It is always more fun to see a friend at the gym than to be by myself at 6 in the morning!
Well buddy, I do remember your very first post the Superman post. I rather enjoyed it then and I enjoyed it now. And I 90% to 95% agree. While most people may not thing that I am capable of deep thought, I hope you know know better, so here goes...
I have done a done an intensive mental review of all of my female friends since high school. And I admit I have had crushes of varying degrees on most of them. Then knowing me and my analytical mind--which a statistician can appreciate--I started to categorize them. Mainly by how good a friend and how big a crush. Now I have yet to assign values and plot them or do analysis. But my intuitive comprehension says that there is a strong correlation. I will admit that generally the better the friend the bigger the crush. Not always but more often then not.
But this leads me to an interesting question. Do I develop attraction to them and a crush on them because we are good friend and spend time together. Or do I develop a friendship with them and spend time with them because they are the type of person I am attracted to. Maybe a combination of the two.
This is turning in to a really good post. So with your permission, Jason, I'm going to expand on this and turn it in to a post on my new blog. Referencing your blog of course. Is that okay?
Why is there a picture of me and my doll on the side of your page? That's not my profile pic!!! I know...it's adorable-I can't blame you.
I believe it is possible to express your feelings to a friend without it getting weird. I'd say about 95% of the time an expression of feelings results in rejection, but WOW you feel so much better. Just think of it more as an FYI and not a DTR. There's nothing wrong with being honest. Just go into it without any expectations, but sincerely just to release/express/communicate your feelings. I just did it...he was pretty much apathetic, but we're still friends because I like myself enough to not be broken hearted about yet another guy who is "Out shopping, but not out to buy"
Jason,
There are a couple of things I think we need to clarify here.
1. People do read your blog posts. Just look at the number comments on said blog.
2. Think Scrubs. "I'm no superman." No one is. "I can't do this all on my own..." No one can be. We all need help. Being a superman is contextually based. We're good at a few things, but not others (You are obviously more talented than me in most things).
3. No one is Miss Lane for that matter. We romanticize... (not fantasize)
4. Clark Kent never got L.L. (not Cool J) because he didn't exist. Women cannot accept what is not put out there, what is not out there, what is not true, or what exists behind our moats.
5. You are the man. I love your blog. It's always fun to read.
Nemo- AKA your roommate.
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