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Have you ever killed a living creature with the pointy end of a sword? I'm not talking about on a video game. I don't mean in your feeble dreams in which you slay dragons. Have you ever actually slain a foul, incredibly gruesome beast with a sword, such as el cid, driving it through all layers of life until there are none left to gasp for air? Well I have.
Today, the foulest spider I've ever seen in real life -- more deadly than the crimson recluse, fouler (which seems to be the word of the day) than mayonnaise on a peanut butter and banana sandwich (or any sandwich...or anything...), with big, nasty fangs drooling venom at only the sight of my big toe in her 50 eyes -- chased after me today. Fortunately for me, I'm at least 3 times bigger than she, and the blunt force of my foot crashing down is enough to make even cinder blocks shudder. So I stomped. Damn. Missed. But she ran. And she was fast. I finally caught up to her, cowered in one of the four corners of my bedroom. Found you, spawn of SATAN! Alas there was no way my stomping could reach her there. Whipped off my belt and started swinging the buckle at her, but in vain. Then it came came into my head faster than it takes to watch the duration of a 30 second bunny cartoon: I have a sword! I have FOUR swords!
Ran into the office and picked up the el cid I carried on my back all the way from Spain - for this very occasion, I'm sure. Arriving back at the corner, I could sense her fear. Doom was imminent. Resistance, futile. I stabbed. I could hear the frail squeaks coming from her now mangled face. Stabbed again. And again. I listened with a sinister joy as she drew her final, fatal breath. It was over.
And yet, as I cleaned up the mess with a tissue, I was somehow still afraid of the foul creature. I imagined her crawling up my right arm, reaching my bicep, and sinking her vicious teeth through my flesh, through my muscle, through my bone, and poisoning me with her venom into my very soul (which was inconveniently placed under my right bicep). With that thought, I hustled and bustled to the bathroom and flushed her down straight away, watching as she swirled around and around, reassuring myself and the rest of the world, that she would never harm another living soul. Not now. Not ever.
Thank you.
11 wisecrack(s):
So let me see if I under stand you correctly, You don't like mayonnaise?!
Sick sick sick.
I hate spiders.
That was horrible! Ewewewewewewew....I shudder at the thought of spiders!
On behalf of the rest of the world, thanks pal.
Wow, you brave soul. Way to vanquish that foul creature! I'm like you, I cannot sleep until it is smashed into pieces and flushed! You should've taken a picture, it sounds incredibly menacing... Yuck!
Awesome! That was one of your more entertaining blog posts. Great job Jason at vanquishing the evil spider!
When I was little I loved Peanut Butter and Mayo sandwiches. Don't know why - but I did. Also, happy the spider can no longer harm you!
Hahahahaha! This was incredibly amazing in so many ways. I wish I could write like you. Crimson Recluse... hahaha. And your soul is placed under your right bicep??? That is soooo whheird.
J-money-
I'm glad to see that you've put El Cid to good use. Although I'm also glad you never got into that habit in our apartment...
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I got a job up in Montana. I'll be moving there in a week and a half.
-Nemo-
Can I borrow El-Cid??? Or can I employ you to come use El-Cid at my apartment??? I use a vaccuum---but I like the idea of El-Cid....
First thing.... Nemo why didn't you tell me you were leaving?
Second thing.... well written Jason and way to slay your other fear and do what you did on this wonderful sunday! you better have talked more than 25 seconds this time! and so help me if the 'menu' gave you what you got I will personally come to MO and beat you. Miss you
Zatara
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